Yee-haw 239!! Young Kelch here once again to talk about how good my team is!!!!


That's what we all thought we'd be reading today. Another bubble team thrown to the wayside by the league dominance of Shake n Bake. But not last night. No, last night something magically happened. Last night, a team of recently acquired misfits found a way.......
(pssssst, it's shadow Pale in the neutral zone, but don't tell them I told you. This is their neutral zone if it's not him or Croy for the zone entry)



Hey everybody your favorite shitter levans is back, and with another series write-up! Honestly the way things were going for me, I wasn't sure I was gonna get to do one of these during the Season 19 Make-A-Wish Fun Run For The Cure, but I've got a new team, my old pal mash back, and I'm still a kind of a jerk. Please enjoy

In a Monday night match-up most would overlook, the struggling Whiskey Sticks looked to get back on track with some fresh faces (that's me ). Best selling author of "Eat, Pray, Love", Young Kelch, has been hard at work on this season's master piece and direct sequel, "Shoot, Pray, Lose", otherwise known as Shake n Bake! The Ricky Bobby fan club members entered tonight's series first in the standings and riding high on an 8 game winning streak, but as they say, you live by the low % shots and you die by the low % shots (I'm not sure anyone says that). Anyway let's meet the line-ups!


For your Whiskey Sticks:
mashotpa-levans-ozzy
epik-fire phoenix
clancy


For the opposing Shake n Bake:
kelch-pale-big cee
dvetts-croydan
phj



Game 1:

Pale lights the lamp first in the 2nd period with his patented "stand in the slot and be tall" play to tip one in and start the scoring off for Shake n Bake. Mash ties it up a few minutes later on a breakout feed from his now returned partner levans. Captain Ozzy would give his team the lead early in the 3rd, but Ricky Bobby himself (Young Kelch) would tie it up to force overtime. About halfway through the overtime the Whiskey Sticks took a page out of the Talladega playbook and fire a low shot from the point through 4 guys to redirect the game winner just under the bar. 3-2 OTW for the Whiskey Sticks!


Game 2:
The game to follow would be a war of defense. Struggling to take advantage of powerplay opportunities, the Whiskey Sticks find themselves in a 0-0 game, where high scoring chances were at a premium. In these dire situations, only the most skilled players can rise to the top and find a way. That, or Pale's Shrek build can shoot a muffin on the rush off Epik's face from the top of the circle to fall behind Clancy with 2 minutes to go. A truly beautiful finish that was I'm sure was followed with a Kelch soundboard flare loud enough to be mistaken for a tornado warning. 1-0 win for Shake n Bake.


Game 3:
I'm gonna go ahead and put up the NSFW warning here, this one got a little ugly. The Whiskey Sticks come out guns blazing with 2 goals in the first period from Ozzy and levans respectively. However, Shake n Bake hadn't given up, and with an absolutely amazing pass to no one from the far hashmarks into Clancy's pad and in, dvetts pulls them within 1. Not to be out done, Mash scores minutes later off a nice breakout pass from Ozzy to give Whiskey Sticks the 2 goal lead going into the final frame. At this point I think everybody was just sick of playing defense. Pale opens up the 3rd period with what I'm assuming was another tip or something, I honestly don't remember, to bring them back within one. Mash would go on to score 3 straight goals to put the game out of reach, with the cherry on top being an own goal PHJ was nice enough to toss out, giving Fire Phoenix his first tuck of the year, from the neutral zone too! 7-2 win for the Whiskey Sticks and the series win!


Team leaders of Shake n Bake were approached for comment following their first series loss of the season, but would only find comfort in each other as seen here



Shake n Bake will look to get back to their winning ways in a top team matchup Wednesday vs Pineapple Express, while the Whiskey Sticks try to carry this momentum into a Wednesday night series with Gala's Hebraic Hombres.

Ggs in the chat

Basterds here again with another write up. The Basterds finished week 2 going 1-1 beating the now 2nd place Chiefs before losing to the league leaders Shake 'n' Bake scratch that...
The Basterds look to get back on track in week 3 starting out against Thomahawk and the 7th place Monty Pythons. On to the line-ups.

For the good guys
For the bad guys
Game 1: 4 - 2 Bad Guys
- In what is becoming typical Basterd's style this game started fairly even with both teams not allowing much offensively.
- 16 minutes in EA gifts The Knights who say Ni! a goal after Yambag decides to play a pretty shit rebound right into the back of the net.....Basterds 0 - Yambag 1
- In the 2nd there is a little more EA gold for Thomahawk's team as RyGuyx9 buries a gifted rebound...2-0 bad guys
- EA was not done as Levans scores from a terrible angle...3-0 bad guys
- The Basterds would answer on the PP with a goal by Drugmonkey off a pretty pass from Swag as he really embraced the 4th forward role. (No shade there Swagg...I actually drafted you for this reason)
- Celebrations were short however and Ryguyx9 would get a shorty and his 2nd of the game later during that power play.
- In the 3rd Jonmonkey would clean up some garbage out front to add a 2nd for the Basterds but it was not enough as we fell 4-2.
Game 2: 5 - 3 Basterds
- Quite 1st period until Jonmonkey would open the scoring by walking out of the corner to score a nice backhand off a defensive turnover. 1-0 good guys
- Early in the 2nd Jonmonkey would add his 2nd on a tip shot from Swagg. 2-0 good guys.
- Half way through the 2nd Sober would break things open, scoring on a break away to make it 3-0 and then on a clapper off an absolute bonkers play by Drug.
- The bad guys would score 3 goals late in the 2nd to bring them back with in one.
- Early in the 3rd Sober would finish a nice feed from Swagg completing his hat trick to regain the 2 goal lead.
- Schielf35 would hold things down to tie the series at 1 each.


Game 3: 4 - 3 (OT) Basterds
- 5 minutes in and Levans scores a PP marker to put the bad guys up 1-0.
- S a u c e x91 would tack on another 5 minutes later.
- Drug ain't no bitch though and scores late in the 1st to bring it within a goal.
- In the 2nd Jonmonkey would bat the puck out of mid air to tie the game
- Early in the 3rd Sober would give the Basterds the lead off another great feed from Swagg.
- With just over 2 minutes left to play RyGuyx9 scores to tie the game at 3 all.
- In OT Jonmonkey got another garbo tip stick to shin to post and in from Yambag to win the game and the series for the Basterds.

What is going on 239? Monkey here for the first time in a long time with hopefully the first of many writeups for The Basterds. Week 1 did not go well for the Basterds as we finished 1-5 opening the season against TAWNS Man and Kindergarten Cob.



The power rankings came out and were unkind. Many teams felt we should blow it all up and retool. Trade offers came fast and often as teams wanted anyone and everyone…except Yam…no one wanted Yam. Sober returned from checking out Snowbird pads down in Florida and the Basterds enter week 2 with a full roster for the first time this season taking on the 4th place Chiefs.


The Basterds lineup



The bad guys lineup


--That is salt folks….cause they were full of it by the end of the night.





Pregame Speech



Game 1: 1-0 Badguys


Game 2: 2-1 Basterds

- Game 2 was more of the same as the game was again fairly tight throughout.
- Couple penalties early in the 1st period before Zubov opens the scoring after absolutely walking Swag for an unassisted marker.
- The Basterds would take a couple more penalties….completely ignoring the pre-series game plan.
- Drugmonkey would tie the game late in the 2nd on a pretty tic-tac-toe play assisted by Swagg and yours truly.
- Midway through the 3rd the Basterds took the lead on a goal from JonMonkey after a great heads up pass from Yambag a.k.a. The Bear Jew Yam.
- A couple PIMs late in the game and this one finishes up 2-1 good guys.

Game 3: 4-3 Basterds

- Like the rest of the series this one started fairly even.
- Zubov would open the scoring because why not he scored the 1st goal in every other fucking game.
- Sober would answer late with a questionable…some might even say “soft” wrister from Drug and Yam.
- Early in the 2nd Jonmonkey would put the Basterds ahead with an absolute muffin after a tie-up faceoff win by Drug.
- Slothamania would tie the game midway through the 2nd from DisNub and Odd Guy....Boooo!
- Half way through the 3rd Jonmonkey would re-establish the lead from Sober and Drug with another EA gift.
- Sober would score his 2nd of the game and a much needed insurance marker late in the 3rd.
- Slothamania would add one in the final seconds but it wasn’t enough as the Basterd hold on for their first series win of the season.

Tale of the Tendies

Its mere minutes from Season 19 puck drop. The boys are all warming up the thumbs, the chat is scrolling over my 300 @everyones posted today and everybody’s least favorite NHL and 239 Analyst Pierre McGuire has finally arrived with his Season 19 Week 1 Power Rankings

View attachment 1114

Pale Pwnr apparently fired himself from Power Rankings, Marine Mike made a mockery of his last year, so I, Mr Pierre-Smartest-Of-All-time McGuire have been hired back to rub my crystal balls and predict the best teams this season. Fresh off getting 80% of S18 preseason rankings right; here’s probably a disaster prediction for this season for ya;

SEASON 19 POWER RANKS

1) Young Kelch/Ian
Shoutout Pale for being #1 again. It is a tradition I find funny enough to roll with. All jokes aside this team is very good. Kelch once again drafted a team where he’s the worst player on the team. A big W. They have 2 great Dmen, a great G and a stud on F in Pale. Cee is as good as it gets at #2 F. There are no holes here.

2) Nicky Patts
Nicky drafted himself arguably the best 1-2 punch on the blue line. He also has very aggressive forwards who can put the puck in at ease in Sbdr and Blk7. Nicky is solid himself on the dots and recently acquired goalie Jsquad was a waiver wire gem more than capable of starting in net. If Jsquad can hold down the fort when tested this team is stacked otherwise.

3) Cob13
Cob went out and got pretty much everyone he wanted on draft night minus one guy. This is a squad that has a great 1-2 punch on the backend and has 3 forwards all with chemistry together and good puck skills. The puck gets one touched all over and all 5 skaters can beat their man 1on1. The question mark is if relatively unknown Grateful Venom and old as shit ILF Legion can carry the weight in net. If so this will be a top team.

4) Master Shotgun
Shotty drafted himself a low-key contender. Sticking with theme, the defense on this team is very solid with Ziggy and Upshall. Then, in my opinion Surpriseme22 is paired up with two very underrated mates at forward in Shotgun and Fwaming. Those who dislike this placement likely are sleeping on the F line, but don’t, they can hang. Then, the sleeper on the team is Flashpoint in net who is very solid back there, an absolute draft steal.

5) Danglez x10
Danglez went out and drafted himself a real solid team from top to bottom. Hall of Fame leads the team on the backend alongside the Captain himself. There will be some rotation going on at F but the core led by AT43 and OwenWilsonsNose along with xxjonx and Jehtie makes for a formidable group more than capable of putting up some goals. The real reason this team is Top 5 is the recent acquisition of Lebronto to play G. He’s a beast in the pipes.

6) The Thomahawk
Thommy’s team I have considered since #4. They easily could be higher but find ultimately land here at 6. The F line is fantastic with Sauce on Rw, old timer Nik on LW and Levans and Iont Get Tired splitting time on C. We all know Levans is sick, but Tired has really impressed me on the dots when given the chance to play there. The reason for this team slipping a bit is Barrett and his G1 rule. Barrett and Sniper on D is a nice unit but game 1’s could be iffy and changing lines for G2/3 is tough.

7) Ozzy9041
Ozzy went into the draft and got himself the reiging defending MVP and winner of pretty much every award last season in Mashotpa. From there he seemingly had no clue what he was doing but somehow ended up with a talented team that should put it together eventually. They are sort of Brokeback 2.0. Stacked on F and G. If the D plays well, they go far, if not then well Clancy will have to carry the team.

8) Disnub
The battle for 8th is going to be a tight one, lots of good teams in the 6-10 range. Disnubs team I think gets themselves the final spot. Nub went with familiar faces that will play together in club often and build on that chem all season. Oddguy and Gyneman lead a solid back end, Dualism could be a vezina candidate goalie this season. Nub and sloth have good chem and Zubov/Krimson are nice on the dot to round out a very balanced team top to bottom.

9) Knifeinyourguts
Knife went with the NDA route of getting all the PT players in the pool and rolling out 300 possible line combos. Admittedly this team could be ranked higher oif I knew what the hell his lines were but this team has enough talent in guys like Abutt, Skoden and Zero Pain that they aren't going to be terrible. If they find some consistency and chem look for these guys to climb the power rankings in the future.

10) LL Cool Sam
Of the teams ranked outside the top 8 this is my sleeper to be the next Doras Backpack and make a run at it from nowhere up towards the top. My concern with this team is there is no superstar player. However they do have Tribe and Kaberle both of whom are very good and know the “meta” plays that work in this game. If Sam can have a vezina candidate season, and the secondary guys mesh well with Tribe and Kabs then this team could be a playoff team.

11) Jonmonkey
Jon went out and drafted himself a team full of 239 vets. This worked well for Dmart last season winning it all with old timers. The issue I see here is nobody is a star player outside perhaps maybe Swagg at wing if he can keep up last seasons pace. Drug at C is solid but he wont score a ton. With Drug sitting back at C can Sober and Jonmonkey score enough if teams take out Swagg? They don’t have a top paid dman like most teams to aid the scoring. My guess will be no and that they struggle a bit this year. A trade for scoring help would go a long way. Schielf in net is no slouch though so he’ll have to step it up for these guys.

12) Gala
Gala actually went out and executed the strategy we all joked about... and took like every Goalie on the board. He did make some post draft trades and got YoungBuffalo from Danglez in exchange for one of his 12 G’s. Expect more trades from Gala in the future as I don’t think this team has scoring punch or good chemistry positionally. For now they sit in the basement, we’ll see if Gala can trade his way into a playoff spot by the end.

TIER 3 – This is the chunk of the league. The 3rd/4th/5th best guys on each squad. The glue guys if you will. To be a contender a captain needs to hit on these picks. 4th 5th and 6th round picks if it were not auction. In no order;
FwamingDwagon12 – LW (8-15) T3
Buschlatte19 – LD (5-10) T3
OWENWILSONSNO5E – RW (14-20) T3
Curdogg68 – G (3-10) T3
RageInAcage - G (3-10) T3
Slothamania – F (11-16) T3
O TLRED O * C/RW (4-9) T3
Dethmaul * G/D (3-8) T3
BoMbs HuRt * F (5-10) T3
Gyneman – RD (10-15) T3
Nikdagreek23 – All 5 (10-15) T3
EWTU Eric * W/D (4-9) T3
Yambag021 – RW/LD (12-18) T3
Plffy * D (6-11) T3
Thejsquad21 W/G (6-10) T3
ThreeCentury – F (6-12) T3
Carl0419 – LW/C (6-11) T3
Dusty Nation09 * D (5-10) T3
A9ent XOO7 * All 5 (3-7) T3
LEBRONT0 – D (13-19) T3
XxJONx – W (7-13) T3
MAGILLA72 – Any but C (9-15) T3
RyGuyX9 – LW (10-15) T3
Pot Shot122 * D (4-10) T3
Roland8383 – LD (7-12) T3
Amazing Viper X * W (7-15) T3
Hugh Laurie 88 * C (1-7) T3
Jehtie *W (3-8) T3
Upshall 55 – D/G (10-15) T3
Uvealflashpoint – F/G (5-10) T3
Big GaGoots - C/RW (10-15) T3
King Manolis – LD (6-12) T3
Sniper0270 – F/LD (5-10) T3
Kin Dange – D (7-12) T3

TIER 4 – The expected dollar menu guys. Probably won't see captains break the bank on these players but these guys fill out your 5th 6th and 7th spots on the roster. Last season's #1 seed had two of these guys and the Champs had 3. So, they're still important to making a run at the belt. In no order;
McDollarMenu – W/D (1-8) T4
Ace S0UL – D/W (1-6) T4
Realjmoney420 * (1-5) T4
Alpha D0G2 – D (1-3) T4
Stoeyjopa - F (2-8) T4
NpL Pensfan - F (1-4) T4
Zlow – D/W (2-7) T4
Xilfxlegion - Any but C (3-8) T4
TheTrueBenSwolo - W/D (3-8) T4
FeenixxRising *D/W (2-8) T4
BeerxCaptain71 *D (1-4) T4
Gratefulvenom – G (1-5) T4

OK this concludes another Big Board. FirePh03nix46, Hatchet15, RideInThe6, ImN0tEvenG00d, STL Gorge, Krimsonfire are not on the board because I have never seen them play in my life and neither have my secret scouts. They could be amazing or shit, I dunno. As usual I probably forget another guy or two, or one or two of these guys isnt even in the pool anymore. Shit happens sorry.

Once again this Big Board is meant as a guide. Its not the 239 Bible. Its for enjoyment. If you don’t like your placement go tell someone who cares cause I don’t.

Don’t be a douche. Show up on time. Enjoy your teammates and your time here. Win some games.

Best of luck to everyone on the draft and the season.